We now have a rat. It’s part of the Lurraga wildlife park experience. Rats in London are evil disease-spreaders but this rat seems like a cuddly animal, an Irish version of Ratty from The Wind in the Willows. I startled the rat – I think I shouted RAT! very loudly then fell over – as it was calmly munching away at some compost. It ran behind a piece of slate that was leaning against the house, evidently planning to get into the kitchen and taste some of my wife’s homemade bread. I picked up a rake and went to flush out the rat.
I remember being told about rats by my father when I was very young. He said never to corner a rat because it will jump for your throat. Over time I’ve got this mixed up with one of those killer attack dogs and now I feel that if I corner a rat it will go for my genitals. So I approached the rat like a cross between a homicidal allotment holder and footballer standing in a free-kick wall. One hand over the goolies, the other brandishing the rake. For some reason I make kung fu style noises as well. Hiya! It’s the stuff I pick up in the mornings watching The Den with the kids. I think the rat was scared.
(Those programmes on The Den really annoy me. Why are there so many American fighting shows on Irish kids TV? It would be bad enough if they were all American but they all seem to be about fighting and magic. The magic is just as bad. They’re American Fighting and Magic shows. Jackie Chann. American Dragon, He Man. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Power Rangers. Transformers. Bravestar. The Irish, by not investing in proper homegrown kids TV programmes, are spawnng a generation of wannabe mutant magic ninja fighting wizards. And that can’t be good. Kids are going to learn that you can have anything you want if you just manifest an evil demon then flatten a few henchmen with the power of your fist and a magic word.)
I don’t have the heart to try and kill the rat so I just chase him off. He scuttles off across the lawn and up into the long grass somewhere between the big pile of stones and the compost bin. We both come out with a bit of honour.
Perhaps rather than fighting each other we could join forces and form a magic superhero team. Rakeman and Ratty.
“Oh no, I need this grass seedbed sorting out and I have all these old meat scraps that need to be eaten. What shall I do?”
Cue theme music…